my thoughts...unsensored

I’ve sort of been evaluating the way I interact with people lately and there is something that I have noticed; something that I am not particularly proud of. I’ve noticed that when greeting people I am never the one to say “how are you”. I am never the one to initiate a conversation. Why is that? Because I’m a very talkative person. And I think the more I’ve contemplated this question the more I’ve realized how selfish the answer is. The truth is, if I am the one to ask how someone is doing it means I have to listen to their response. But if I let them be the one to ask I can tell them how I am doing. Yah, not something I’m proud of to say the least. And I think that is part of the problem when it comes to the relationships I have with people. They’re one-sided. They’re all about me. When I do something for someone, I expect something in return. Super selfish and disgusting actually.

But I don’t think it is something I can change cold turkey. It is something where I have to sit down and take a look at my own life and try to figure out where the root of the problem is coming from. Its like the analogy that Niel once gave me. You can’t just take the alcohol away from an alcoholic and expect him to be cured of alcoholism. You have to find the root of the addiction and treat that. Otherwise the problem will just return. I guess I’ve always kind of seen this in myself in one way or another but I’ve always just ignored it and told myself that it would go away on its own and that I didn’t really have to change. But the truth is that the one thing that I fear the most is the one thing that I need to do the most; I need to change. It’s scary. And I’ve started down the road to change many times but I always get end up right back where I started. And I know exactly what’s missing. It’s a deep relationship with God that’s missing. I started to get closer to Him at the end of last year and I started to see change in my life and then things started to change and I got scared and went right back to the way I had been before; the selfish and self-centered brat that I have always been. Ughh. That disgusts me even to think about it. I want to change. I really do. But the effort that change requires scares the crap out of me. It really does.

But, I’ve come to a point where I know that I just can’t do it on my own. I can’t. And I hate to admit that but it’s the truth. I need Jesus. I do. That’s what’s been missing all along. I haven’t allowed Him to be a part of this journey with me and I think that’s why I’m struggling so much. I don’t even know who I am anymore or why I’m here. I have no idea what direction my life is headed and that scares me. I know that God has a plan and a purpose for me but I have never truly let that sink in. I have never allowed the words of the Lord sink into my life and become a part of who I am. I think if I actually let that sink in and immerse mysef in the Scriptures I would find my identity and my purpose and the vision for my life.

But I’ve allowed myself to get comfortable with where I’m at, when the reality is that I am not comfortable at all. I want to be a different person. I feel like I’m living a lie which in many ways I am. I’ve let myself settle for the way things are when I know that there is so much more and that I can be so much more. I guess what it all comes down to is that I need to change. I need to start livng in the Word and allowing God to shape me into the person that He wants me to be. Until I find that unconditional relationship with Him and allow it to be a part of who I am there will be no real direction in my life. I know that He wants to be my light and my shield but He can’t and He won’t unless I let Him. So today I set a new goal; I want to discover who Christ is to me and what He thinks of me. I want to fall in love with the creator, sustainer, purifier, refiner, protector, romancer, restorer and author of the universe. And I want that magestic and supreme God to be real in my life. I want him to be more real and more clear to me than He has ever been before. That seems like a big and scary and unattainable goal to me, but I know that in Christ all things are possible. I pray that the words of the Rush of Fools song “Peace Be Still” would be a reality in my life this week as I start on this long and scary journey that is ahead of me.

Come to Me, you who are weak
Let My strength be yours tonight
Come and rest, let My love be your bed
Let My heart be yours tonight

Peace be still, Peace be still
Please be still and know that I am God
and know that I am God

Come empty cup, let Me fill you up
I'll descend on you like a dove tonight
Lift your head, let your eyes fall into Mine
Let your fear subside tonight

I pray that this week I could truly be still and just know that He is God.

Overflowing with Excitement!!!

I'm so excited and just can't hide it!!!!! I'm smiling SO big right now. The hats that I made for the kids at Hope House finally made it to South Africa and are finally warming the heads of those amazing kids!!! And I just saw the first picture of one of the kids wearing their hat!!! The hat fits Bafana perfectly in personality and size!!! Yay!!!! Check it out if you wish... http://www.thriveafrica.org/2008/08/warming-the-hearts-of-orphans/ :) :) :) I hope it makes you smile too. :)

Kitties!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, meet my new kittens! Yes, I did say kittens. I was just planning on getting one, but I couldn't decide between two at the shelter and then they told me that kittens are 2 for 1. I couldn't resist and ended up with two. And I wouldn't have it any other way. They're adorable and I love them to death. They even have Zulu names :) Here are a couple pictures of Thandi (Love) and Thembi (Faith)...

This is Thembi

And this is Thandi

Strength in letting go...

The last few weeks, and months really, have been rather rough. My grandma's passing has not been easy by any means; neither were the weeks and months leading up to her death. As hard as it was to say goodbye, there is a part of her that will always be with me. She taught me so many lessons; lessons about love and living a life that glorifies God.

One of the things my grandma used to say to me was, "Find your strength in letting go." I don't think I ever understood the meaning of that quote until recently. As I mentioned earlier, the past few weeks and months have been rough, but my grandma's words and lessons she taught me have helped me to get through it. In the beginning I tried to muster up the strength on my own to get through each day, but that was a horrible failure. It wasn't until I began letting go of my fears, anxieties, heartaches, and worries that I found strength. But it wasn't in just letting go that I found strength, it was in letting go and giving it all to God. God is my strength but it's not until I let go of all my selfishness, fears and problems that He is able to use me and show me what true strength looks like. He wants me to come to Him when I am troubled, not try and make things right on my own. He wants to be a part of my life.

Someone asked me today how I've been so strong and joyful the midst of all that's been going on. I thought to myself for a second, smiled and replied by saying, "I guess I've just found my strenth in letting go of all my worries and sorrows and taking hold of the promise and rest I have in God." Grandma was right. She taught me well, but she didn't just teach me she showed me; she showed me what a life devoted to God looks like. Grandma also said, "With strength comes joy." That never made sense until now, but I'm beginning to see what she meant. Finding strength in God allows us to experience the joy in all that He has for us.

Grandma taught me well. One thing I know for sure is that I will never forget the life of pure devotion that she lived. I pray that the lessons she taught and showed me, will continue to be a part of my life. She encouraged me with Scriptures and always wanted me to seek after the plans God has for me and keep Him at the center of my life. That's a lesson I pray I will never forget.

A tribute to a wonderful woman...

Grandma,

I would not be the person I am today if it were not for you always believing in me and encouraging me to be the person you knew I could be; the person God called me to be. You’ve taught me so many lessons about life and love. Every part of your life was overflowing with the love you had for God and His people. You were always willing to help others even when that meant simply listening. And you always brought a smile to the faces of those you encountered, whether it was with your banana bread, cookies, birthday cards or kind and encouraging words. Your encouragement in my life has shaped who I am. You never told me that my dreams were unattainable; rather you encouraged me to keep seeking out God’s dreams and plans for my life. When I decided to go to Africa, you were beside me every step of the way, encouraging me to keep on going. Grandma, your encouraging words and use of Scriptures to help guide me meant more than words can express. I will miss that.

Every moment I was privileged to spend with you was a moment filled with love and joy. My favorite memories of you and me are when we would decorate cookies and cakes together or bake yummy banana bread. But it wasn’t just baking, it was a time for laughter and getting to know each other better. And I loved going places with you, not because of the things we went to do or see, but because we always had a good time and you always made me feel loved. I can truly say that spending time with you was one of my favorite things to do. You will be greatly missed.

More than anything I’ll miss your warm hugs. Your hugs were filled with love and tenderness and compassion, and many times it felt as though I was being hugged by an angel. But, truth is, I was. You were and will always be an angel to me, and I thank you for being such a blessing in my life. You’ve touched my heart and my life in more ways than you’ll ever know. Thank you.

I love you Grandma!

Oh, and I'll really miss buying you any and every pig that I see. ;)

Sense of community

I have been learning a lot about the importance of community lately. Ever since I got back from SA I’ve been feeling like some major component of my life has been missing. And recently I’ve realized that I’ve been lacking community in my life. When I was in South Africa, I lived and worked with the same 20 people every day. But when I got back to the States that sense of community seemed to disappear almost over night. Not seeing the same people daily and knowing that I didn’t have that community to fall back (physically) on was tough. And when I came home to a place where many friends had left or moved on with their lives, it was even more difficult. But I let it slide. I told myself I was fine with just communicating with my SA friends even though we are scattered all over the country, and the world for that matter. But to tell you the truth, that hasn’t really worked out the way I’d imagined. I don’t talk to my fellow interns nearly as much as I had hoped to, as we all have busy lives and schedules. And I haven’t allowed myself to reconnect with the community in which I now live, which has left me feeling rather lonely. I love people, but at the same time I don’t want them to see me struggle. Yet I know that I need those close friendships in my life that challenge me and allow me to challenge others.

So last night I finally decided to step out and do something that I had been dreading to do…go to Connexion, the college ministry at my church. Just the thought of going to a place where I didn’t know anybody was terrifying. I had let that fear keep me from attending for far too long. But I think it’s just what I had been needing. The worship was amazing, Dan’s message was challenging, and the small group time was great. I met some new people who I connected with right away and feel like the small group I ended up in was the perfect one for me. The group was very welcoming and made me feel like part of their community. There’s just something about being in fellowship with the body of Christ that makes me feel alive. I can’t wait to go back next week and continue to build those relationships as we grow together in Christ.

friendships

the shift key on this computer isn't working so i will type this post without it. sorry of it bothers any of you. lately i've been looking at the friendships i have with people and it seems as though a lot of them are only skin deep. it's rather frustrating, but i think i am the only one to blame. i have never really taken the time to fully invest in the lives of the people around me. and i don't like that. everyone knows a lot about me cuz i kind of force it on them at times. and i think it's time i start loving people and investing in their lives the way i should, the way i'm called to. i set a goal when i left africa and that was to learn something new about each of the people i hang out with each week. and i'm gonna do it. i'm tired of the one-sided relationships i've created. i want to be involved in the lives of my friends. i know that i'm loved but i want them to know that they are loved too.

you are loved and i'm gonna start showing it.

please be patient with me as i am trying to implement a major change in my life. i look forward to deepening friendships and getting to know you better, even those of you that are close friends. and i am sorry for not doing this sooner.