my thoughts...unsensored

I’ve sort of been evaluating the way I interact with people lately and there is something that I have noticed; something that I am not particularly proud of. I’ve noticed that when greeting people I am never the one to say “how are you”. I am never the one to initiate a conversation. Why is that? Because I’m a very talkative person. And I think the more I’ve contemplated this question the more I’ve realized how selfish the answer is. The truth is, if I am the one to ask how someone is doing it means I have to listen to their response. But if I let them be the one to ask I can tell them how I am doing. Yah, not something I’m proud of to say the least. And I think that is part of the problem when it comes to the relationships I have with people. They’re one-sided. They’re all about me. When I do something for someone, I expect something in return. Super selfish and disgusting actually.

But I don’t think it is something I can change cold turkey. It is something where I have to sit down and take a look at my own life and try to figure out where the root of the problem is coming from. Its like the analogy that Niel once gave me. You can’t just take the alcohol away from an alcoholic and expect him to be cured of alcoholism. You have to find the root of the addiction and treat that. Otherwise the problem will just return. I guess I’ve always kind of seen this in myself in one way or another but I’ve always just ignored it and told myself that it would go away on its own and that I didn’t really have to change. But the truth is that the one thing that I fear the most is the one thing that I need to do the most; I need to change. It’s scary. And I’ve started down the road to change many times but I always get end up right back where I started. And I know exactly what’s missing. It’s a deep relationship with God that’s missing. I started to get closer to Him at the end of last year and I started to see change in my life and then things started to change and I got scared and went right back to the way I had been before; the selfish and self-centered brat that I have always been. Ughh. That disgusts me even to think about it. I want to change. I really do. But the effort that change requires scares the crap out of me. It really does.

But, I’ve come to a point where I know that I just can’t do it on my own. I can’t. And I hate to admit that but it’s the truth. I need Jesus. I do. That’s what’s been missing all along. I haven’t allowed Him to be a part of this journey with me and I think that’s why I’m struggling so much. I don’t even know who I am anymore or why I’m here. I have no idea what direction my life is headed and that scares me. I know that God has a plan and a purpose for me but I have never truly let that sink in. I have never allowed the words of the Lord sink into my life and become a part of who I am. I think if I actually let that sink in and immerse mysef in the Scriptures I would find my identity and my purpose and the vision for my life.

But I’ve allowed myself to get comfortable with where I’m at, when the reality is that I am not comfortable at all. I want to be a different person. I feel like I’m living a lie which in many ways I am. I’ve let myself settle for the way things are when I know that there is so much more and that I can be so much more. I guess what it all comes down to is that I need to change. I need to start livng in the Word and allowing God to shape me into the person that He wants me to be. Until I find that unconditional relationship with Him and allow it to be a part of who I am there will be no real direction in my life. I know that He wants to be my light and my shield but He can’t and He won’t unless I let Him. So today I set a new goal; I want to discover who Christ is to me and what He thinks of me. I want to fall in love with the creator, sustainer, purifier, refiner, protector, romancer, restorer and author of the universe. And I want that magestic and supreme God to be real in my life. I want him to be more real and more clear to me than He has ever been before. That seems like a big and scary and unattainable goal to me, but I know that in Christ all things are possible. I pray that the words of the Rush of Fools song “Peace Be Still” would be a reality in my life this week as I start on this long and scary journey that is ahead of me.

Come to Me, you who are weak
Let My strength be yours tonight
Come and rest, let My love be your bed
Let My heart be yours tonight

Peace be still, Peace be still
Please be still and know that I am God
and know that I am God

Come empty cup, let Me fill you up
I'll descend on you like a dove tonight
Lift your head, let your eyes fall into Mine
Let your fear subside tonight

I pray that this week I could truly be still and just know that He is God.